Tuesday, September 27, 2011

I Hate Good byes

I had a marvelous weekend. I got to see both sides of my family. I started off in Oklahoma and got to see my Pa. Every time I see him it gets harder and harder. I want to see my Maamaw and Pa. Not just my Pa. I love him dearly and I hate seeing him hurt over the loss of his wife. My phone still has his phone number listed under Maamaw and Pa, my address book still shows Maamaw and Pa, and not matter what, I can't think about Pa without Maamaw. Now I realize that this may sound silly, but it is really hard. Now I have more fears to add to my already fear ridden thoughts.
The last time I saw my Maamaw was January 2010. Mike and I were meeting friends in Orlando for the Disney World Half Marathon. We wanted to visit with them before we went to Orlando.
I had called my grandparents prior to going down. I told them that I had mailed them a package and they should receive it shortly. My sister called the day we were to arrive to find out what they were doing. They were in Georgia getting some pecans. I quickly looked on a map to see how far away the town they were in was and it wasn't too much out of the way! I talked Mike into taking me to see if we could meet them at the pecan plant. Turns out this small town had about eight pecan plants. We drove to each one not seeing them. Then low and behold I look over and see them! I told Mike to follow them but he couldn't get over. We ended up not being able to locate them. So, we continued on our way to their house. We arrived and waited. And waited. And waited. My grandparents were not typical. Sitting in the house all day watching CNN was not something they did. They were out and about Party animals of the senior citizen crowd! :) Knowing it could be awhile, we drove to cracker barrel to eat. Mind you, we had been gone for quite some time. I called just before we got to her house.
"Hi Maamaw"

"Hello, how are you?"

"I'm doing great. Have you received your package yet?" At this point we are at their house and I'm getting out of the car.

"No not yet. I had my neighbor watch for it but she hasn't seen the UPS man."


"Just a minute I think that's the UPS man now."

Both Maamaw and Pa come to their door. They have decorative windows on the door and because of this you can only see the outline of people. This is the conversation we heard.

Maamaw "Who is it?"

Pa "I don't know I can't see"

Maamaw "It looks like two of them. Does UPS come with two drivers?"

Pa "I don't know let me open the door"

Meanwhile, I'm holding my breath because all I want to do is burst out laughing. I mean, these two are the cutest couple you will ever meet. They opened the door and my Pa grabbed me and gave me a big bear hug. They were so surprised and we were so glad to see them! Oh what a wonderful week we had. Just a grand time of hanging out and enjoying each others company. I'll never forget the day we left.

We said our good byes. I was sad. I told them I couldn't wait to see them again. We got in the car and I told Mike we would never wait that long to see them again. I didn't care what it took we would visit. I told him I was scared to leave because my Maamaw was sick and I didn't want anything to happen to her. He told me "Don't worry nothing will happen." He was wrong. He was very very wrong. She died before I could see her. I was in the same town, minutes away from the hospital and she died. I never got to say goobye and she never got to meet Rodney. This moment in my life has changed me.

Every time I say good bye to my Pa, Grandma or Grandpa I get scared. Sunday night, Monday night, and this afternoon I have had panic attacks. Thankfully they were small and I managed to get them under control. But all I could think of was that I hope they are ok and I can see them again. I hate that what happened with my Maamaw has affected me so much but I can't help it. I hate laying in bed at night with horrible thoughts going through my head, clammy, sweaty skin, and feeling nauseated. It probably doesn't help that I forgot my zoloft when I left for vacation. It was the first thing I grabbed when I got home. Hopefully it kicks in soon because I am through with this crappy feeling.

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