Life and Death

As the one year anniversary of my Maamaw's death approaches, I've been thinking a lot about it.  There are things I simply don't understand.  I still don't understand why God took her before I got to say goodbye.  We were minutes from the hospital and I never got to tell her I loved her.  I have a lot of blame on people I shouldn't.  I just wanted her to meet Rodney.  She was so proud of him.  I just wanted one damn picture and I will never get it.  I keep thinking I'll get over it and one day I might. But for now - I'm just sad.  I can't help but be jealous when I see my sister and cousins kids in pictures with her.  Rodney should be in one.

Look at me, I'm getting off topic.  Gah....I hate when that happens.  So back to the story.  The one year anniversary of her death is coming up and I was discussing it with my counselor.  She's Christian so helps me with a lot.  However, no one, at least no here on earth, has answers for "why couldn't she have waited."  We prayed and prayed but she left so quickly.  I left the session with more questions than answers. 

My day went on ok but completely changed once I went to church.  I had a my monthly Building Better Moms meeting.  The leader of the group told us about her nephew.  Just 5 months old.  He passed away February 3rd.  5 months.  It's absolutely heartbreaking.  She told us about her mom and how her mom was yelling into the phone.  Angry at God for not listening to their prayers.  Angry at God for taking the sweet little Baby.  Then she said, Maybe taking the baby was God's way of answering their prayers?  Maybe the healing could not be done hear on Earth so God healed in Heaven?

My family and I prayed for my Maamaw to get better.  I know she isn't in pain any more.  Could it be that she was not going to be able to be healed here?  Was God's answer to our prayers of healing her to take her to Heaven?  To be honest, I'm not sure how to feel about all of this.  I mean, in a weird way it gives slight comfort.  But then again, it still doesn't resolve the issue of me feeling upset because I didn't get to say goodbye. 

For now, the only thing that seems right to say is Psalm 13.  God, please bring peace to me and my family.  We are still hurting after the loss of one of the most amazing person we've known.

 ¹ How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever?
   How long will you hide your face from me?
² How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
   and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
   How long will my enemy triumph over me?
 ³ Look on me and answer, LORD my God.
   Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
⁴ and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
   and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
 ⁵ But I trust in your unfailing love;
   my heart rejoices in your salvation.
⁶ I will sing the LORD’s praise,
   for he has been good to me.

Maamaw,  I hope you know how much you have been missed.  You have blessed us more than you will ever know.  I hope there is square dancing in heaven. <3 Love you

Traveling alone with a baby....

             I'm sure many of you are wondering how my solo trip to Orlando with Hot Rod went.  Well....it was amazing!  We started off leaving later than normal.  And by that, I mean we left at 6:30 p.m.  I figured it would be ok because he would sleep and i could get some prime driving time in. Which I did!  Drove until 2:00 in the morning.  I first stopped at a Hampton inn.  I waited 10 minutes without help.  I left and found a Marriot.  They guy at the counter must have felt bad for me because he gave me a discount and access to the lounge.  Free breakfast - I'm up for that. 
            Let me us tell you about the breakfast.  It was embarrassing.  When I travel, I wear comfy clothes - yoga pants and a tank top with flip flops.  I go up with Rod and whose there - EVERYONE in a business soup.  Boy, did I ever feel out of place!  To make things more interesting, Rod wanted down and was "talking" loudly.  They were all on cell phones or laptops; clearly irritated by the crazy woman and her baby.  I'm pretty sure they thought I just snuck in. :/  lol oh well.
             Day two was amazing as well.  We got lots of drive time in.  Lots of stops too.  We stopped at the Kentucky Damn State Park and played on the play ground.  We stopped at restraunts and he got some different scenery.  It ended up being another knight in which I drove until 1:30 a.m.  I stopped at a Best Western, which was cheaper than the Marriot, but not as nice.  At least it was a good place to sleep. 
              By Day 3 Rod was ready to get out of the car. While we had about a 6 hour drive, Rod was frustrated and not wanting to be in the seat any more.  Can you blame him?   Luckily he was tolerable until the hotel.  Once at the hotel I took him to the play ground and let him run around Shades of green.  
I've been asked if I would do it again.  Heck yes I would!  :)  I would LOVE to travel alone.  Maybe to Colorado or  back to Oklahoma!   Hot Rod is a true traveling buddy!  I love him!