Life and Death

As the one year anniversary of my Maamaw's death approaches, I've been thinking a lot about it.  There are things I simply don't understand.  I still don't understand why God took her before I got to say goodbye.  We were minutes from the hospital and I never got to tell her I loved her.  I have a lot of blame on people I shouldn't.  I just wanted her to meet Rodney.  She was so proud of him.  I just wanted one damn picture and I will never get it.  I keep thinking I'll get over it and one day I might. But for now - I'm just sad.  I can't help but be jealous when I see my sister and cousins kids in pictures with her.  Rodney should be in one.

Look at me, I'm getting off topic.  Gah....I hate when that happens.  So back to the story.  The one year anniversary of her death is coming up and I was discussing it with my counselor.  She's Christian so helps me with a lot.  However, no one, at least no here on earth, has answers for "why couldn't she have waited."  We prayed and prayed but she left so quickly.  I left the session with more questions than answers. 

My day went on ok but completely changed once I went to church.  I had a my monthly Building Better Moms meeting.  The leader of the group told us about her nephew.  Just 5 months old.  He passed away February 3rd.  5 months.  It's absolutely heartbreaking.  She told us about her mom and how her mom was yelling into the phone.  Angry at God for not listening to their prayers.  Angry at God for taking the sweet little Baby.  Then she said, Maybe taking the baby was God's way of answering their prayers?  Maybe the healing could not be done hear on Earth so God healed in Heaven?

My family and I prayed for my Maamaw to get better.  I know she isn't in pain any more.  Could it be that she was not going to be able to be healed here?  Was God's answer to our prayers of healing her to take her to Heaven?  To be honest, I'm not sure how to feel about all of this.  I mean, in a weird way it gives slight comfort.  But then again, it still doesn't resolve the issue of me feeling upset because I didn't get to say goodbye. 

For now, the only thing that seems right to say is Psalm 13.  God, please bring peace to me and my family.  We are still hurting after the loss of one of the most amazing person we've known.

 ¹ How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever?
   How long will you hide your face from me?
² How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
   and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
   How long will my enemy triumph over me?
 ³ Look on me and answer, LORD my God.
   Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
⁴ and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
   and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
 ⁵ But I trust in your unfailing love;
   my heart rejoices in your salvation.
⁶ I will sing the LORD’s praise,
   for he has been good to me.

Maamaw,  I hope you know how much you have been missed.  You have blessed us more than you will ever know.  I hope there is square dancing in heaven. <3 Love you

Traveling alone with a baby....

             I'm sure many of you are wondering how my solo trip to Orlando with Hot Rod went.  Well....it was amazing!  We started off leaving later than normal.  And by that, I mean we left at 6:30 p.m.  I figured it would be ok because he would sleep and i could get some prime driving time in. Which I did!  Drove until 2:00 in the morning.  I first stopped at a Hampton inn.  I waited 10 minutes without help.  I left and found a Marriot.  They guy at the counter must have felt bad for me because he gave me a discount and access to the lounge.  Free breakfast - I'm up for that. 
            Let me us tell you about the breakfast.  It was embarrassing.  When I travel, I wear comfy clothes - yoga pants and a tank top with flip flops.  I go up with Rod and whose there - EVERYONE in a business soup.  Boy, did I ever feel out of place!  To make things more interesting, Rod wanted down and was "talking" loudly.  They were all on cell phones or laptops; clearly irritated by the crazy woman and her baby.  I'm pretty sure they thought I just snuck in. :/  lol oh well.
             Day two was amazing as well.  We got lots of drive time in.  Lots of stops too.  We stopped at the Kentucky Damn State Park and played on the play ground.  We stopped at restraunts and he got some different scenery.  It ended up being another knight in which I drove until 1:30 a.m.  I stopped at a Best Western, which was cheaper than the Marriot, but not as nice.  At least it was a good place to sleep. 
              By Day 3 Rod was ready to get out of the car. While we had about a 6 hour drive, Rod was frustrated and not wanting to be in the seat any more.  Can you blame him?   Luckily he was tolerable until the hotel.  Once at the hotel I took him to the play ground and let him run around Shades of green.  
I've been asked if I would do it again.  Heck yes I would!  :)  I would LOVE to travel alone.  Maybe to Colorado or  back to Oklahoma!   Hot Rod is a true traveling buddy!  I love him!

Nursing in Public

I'm all for breastfeeding and consider myself to be an advocate for the rights of breastfeeding momma's.  Recently there has been a Nurse - in across the nation at several Targets.  Michelle Hickman was trying to nurse her child (covered up) and was harrassed by several employees.  Therefore, a nurse in was started.  The point was to bring positive light to breastfeeding and to establish rights as nursing moms.  There has been such a divide amongst people!  And some people have been so negative.
I really hate the "go to the bathroom to feed your kid" comment.  I mean seriously, would you want to eat in a germ infested public restroom?  It amuses me that people have the answer to everything.  Like, just use a bottle.  Well, Rod doesn't take a bottle from me.  He also doesn't nurse with a cover.  He hates it and doesn't nurse because he's trying to get the cover out of his face.  I cover up the best I can, but I'm not perfect. Women should be able to nurse whenever, wherever. 
Another comment I hate is "I don't want to explain to my child...."  What?  You don't want to tell your child that a baby is getting food from his or her momma?  Afraid to tell your child that not all babies are bottle fed?  I do try to hide, especially around kids.  I do respect other people, and I've been very cautious with other peoples kids.  I think its up to the parent to explain the situation, but it's also not something I'm going to be ashamed of.  There is NOTHING wrong with feeding your child.  Whether bottle, breast, or formula.  Each mom does what she feels is best for her baby.  I don't judge women who choose to feed their child formula or bottle, so why should I be judged for feeding breast?
The breast has been so sexualized that nursing has become a perverse act to some people.  I think that is disgusting and anyone who puts the two in the same category is sick.  What I don't get, is why is it ok to see a half nude model (Victoria Secret show) but not ok to see a nursing mom?  It just doesn't make sense. 

Why is this ok?

And this isn't?

 

I think its time for a change.

Rod's First Birthday Party!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HOT ROD!  Today we had a few friends and my mom join us for Hot Rod's first birthday party.  It was so much fun!  Rod had two of his little friends attend.  One, Brennin is 4 months younger than Rod and already taller.  The other, Allie, was a premie and is also bigger than Rod.  He's a shrimp.  I would love to show you photo's but I'm super lame and didn't get photos of his guests.  Also, in additional lameness, I forgot to get a candle.  I mean really, how does one forget their childs first candle?  We used a tealight - because I'm lame. ;)

mom dad and baby!

Weebles Wobble but they don't fall down!

Made by my mom.  Aint it puuuuurty?

cake faced birthday boy

Nana and Hot Rod

He was either reaching for balloons or a present.

         

And now that the p

Publish Post

arty is over, Mike and I feel like we have been hit by a mack truck.  So very tired.  Good night!

A Year with Hot Rod

Well, it's finally here. Hot Rod is one. God has certainly blessed me with a wonderful baby boy. I couldn't ask for more.

My favorite Christmas gift

1 months old and takin' a bath!

Kisses! (this is still my favorite)

Alyssa giving Rod a bath - 3 months old

Happy Easter! 4 Months

At the Airport! 5 months

Helping mom with laundry - 6 months

At the beach! 7 months

At the air show - 8 months

Go FSU - 9 months

BAM! BAM! Happy Halloween! 10 months

My First Thanksgiving - 11 months

At the Christmas tree farm! 12 months!

Thank you baby boy for being the light of my life.  You will never know just how much you mean to me.  I love you sweet boy!

Vacation....again

Well, its that time of year again. The time when Mike goes hunting and I become a hunters widow for a week. This is my first time at this with Hot Rod. It has been surprisingly calm. As long as I don't leave him alone of course. He hasn't been acting out or anything. We have spent our days watching movies, playing, and working out while he naps. We have also had a chance to catch lunch with my Mother in Law. She bought us some cookie cutters. I wanted shape ones so I could use them as a teaching tool when Rod gets older.
Oh yeah, and it snowed. It is so beautiful. Rod hates it. He cried the second I put him in it. Silly boy. I will post pictures later. Since there is snow I also decided to buy a pair of snow boots. I couldn't find any. I found some cute, brown, waterproof ones but they were too big. I had Rod put them on but he couldn't walk. Now that was comical. I guess buying snow boots just wasn't in the cards.
Can you believe I'm working out while on vacation? I can't. It's weird really. But I'm glad. At least I wont be falling behind. I'm nearly done with my program and I just can't believe it. I have come so far! Just over 30 days and I'm done. Sort of. I think I may try to do a second round of Insanity. I could use it! Ok, I'm tired. Night.

My morning with Hot Rod

My morning with Hot Rod seemed to be great. We woke up at 8:00! I actually got 7.5 hours of sleep! So excited. I brought him to my room and turned on Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. It was nice. We snuggled and I nursed him until he was ready to get up. He was in such a great mood! I decided a nice breakfast of eggs, potato, and ham was in order.

Looks yummy right? Maybe not but it's not too bad. Rod liked it though.

Dont you just love the look on his face?

Unfortunately, this didn't last long. He started by tossing food over the side of his high chair.

Then it escalated to him yelling at me...

Charming isn't he? I figured he was tired so I wiped him down, changed his diaper, and went to put him to bed. He wasn't going down. He just wiggled and squirmed. I wanted to work out so I grabbed some of his toys and put the play yard up. He did pretty well at first. I made sure he had his sippy cup and a graham cracker or two. He was happy until the last 11 minutes.

He's trapped and miserable. Poor guy. I held him and tried working out at the same time. I admit, I have mad balancing skills. Nothing like holding a baby while doing leg lifts!
Even after I was done he wouldn't go to sleep. We played for a few minutes and he just wanted to cuddle. Eventually, he fell asleep. I guess he didn't want to fall asleep in his bedroom. I would take a picture, but I'm not risking to wake up prince charming. :) That my friends, is a not so typical morning with my little Hot Rod.